Backstory: My friend Jamie Hunter Ross tagged my social media with a (cute & outdated) poster called “What Your Wine Says About You” with a dozen wines, and jokes like: Cab(ernet) “Cab” is the only wine type you can confidently pronounce. See below:
Well, that made me think, if someone made a modern version of this for the wine intelligentsia: the Sommeliers, the wine writers, the wine collectors, and the wine snobs, if you will.
Well… Voilà!
Here’s JvB’s ‘Wine Snob version’ of
What Your Wine Says About You:
Pinot Grigio: it’s the least offensive wine you’ve ever tasted.
California Oaked Chardonnay: Stop annoying your mother, dear. Now, go run & play!
California Chardonnay with a couple of ice cubes: it’s 100 degrees in the shade.
Puligny-Montrachet: Evidently, you have too damn much money.
Romanée-Conti Grand Cru: You have so much damn money, you want to set it on fire.
NV Champagne: You’re bubbly and fun, dammit.
Vintage Champagne: Watch me saber this and hurt someone.
California
Cabernet Sauvignon: Because big fruit bombs are your thing.
Screaming Eagle: You made all your money in finance and want to urinate on someone’s shoes.
Merlot: You can actually pronounce it, but never saw the movie “Sideways”.
Pinot Noir: You are even more snobby than you think.
5th Growth Bordeaux: You can speak French but have to work for a living.
1st Growth Bordeaux: You can speak French AND waste your children’s inheritance.
Riesling: You like fast cars, Oompah bands, veal schnitzel, and wine with a little petrol in it.
Rosé: You’re just here to day drink.
Brut Rosé Champagne: You just want to feel pretty and day drink, on someone else’s dime.
Gewürztraminer: You used to be fun and loud and now you’re kind of dry and quiet.
Gewürztraminer: You used to be fun and loud and now you’re kind of dry and quiet.
Moscato: You like cherry coke and cookies for breakfast.
Chenin Blanc: You like popular trends but are actually kind of bland.
Semillon: You have family money but no sense of fashion.
Sauternes: You like foie gras, lobster with truffle butter, and Kobe beef, in that order.
Old Vine Zinfandel: You like aged steaks and aged vines, but younger partners.
Old Vine Zinfandel: You like aged steaks and aged vines, but younger partners.
Sangiovese: You like fast cars and fast women, but don’t drive so well.
Barolo: You drive a Mercedes Benz AGT GT63 Coup with a gorgeous partner in a perfectly tailored suit who can shift you into 9th gear with their eyes from the passenger seat.
Brunello: You’re an old soul, served with a side of pasta.
Dolcetto: You are old school, all the way.
Primotivo: You live in the fast lane and don’t mind a few broken bones… yours or theirs.
Prosecco: You just wanted to have a good time and now you’re crying.
Cava: You, apathetic: “Let them eat cake, the infidels.”
French Sauvignon Blanc: You love your citrus bright & refreshing, with a little bit of cat pee.
Australian Sauvignon Blanc: You prefer grass to cat pee, with shrimp on the barbie, mate.
New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc: You do the Māori Haka (War Dance) with your pinky finger extended.
Pinotage: You like to eat what you hunt and kill.
Kekfrancos: You like your music loud, your meat bloody, and your partners a little dumb.
Cabernet Franc: You’re a nonconformist and won’t be told what to do, dammit!
Vin Jaune: You like old things that taste of sherry and oxidation, like your grandparents.
Cru Beaujolais: You like things that are fresh, bright, and not too expensive.
Beaujolais Nouveau: You want to get drunk cheaply & appear classier than you are.
Blue Wine: You go to raves and pretend you’re an alien.
Pinot Bianco: You: “Hey, C’mere, beautiful!”
Pinot Nero: You: “Get outta here you, whassamatta you?”
Nebbiolo: You have the looks of Isabella Rossellini, can cook like Lidia Bastianich, but you’re always broke.
Montepulciano: You cook like Mario Batali, but you look like him, too.
Chianti: You like pasta bolognese, The Godfather, and a pencil-thin mustache.
Chianto Classico: You are a landlord, a loan broker, and a politician, at the same time.
Lambrusco: Your drunk uncle mixed up the grapes for prosecco AGAIN!
Rioja Blanca: You enjoy being a homemaker, but please, Get OUT of my kitchen!
Rioja Crianza: You walk quietly but carry a big stick.
Rioja Reserva: You have a lovely spouse, children, and home, with a lovely Middle-Aged Crisis.
Rioja Gran Reserva: You own a condo on Ibiza and a small but nice boat.
Tempranillo: You vacation in Cancun to rest, but return sunburned with Montezuma’s revenge.
Tempranillo: You vacation in Cancun to rest, but return sunburned with Montezuma’s revenge.
Garnacha: You feel like a Ferrari but people look at you like you’re a Fiat.
Grüner Veltliner: You like skiing in the alps, and yodeling after sex.
Syrah: You still fantasize about the foreign exchange student you never bedded.
Petite Sirah: You slept with your ex’s younger sibling for revenge
Shiraz: You like going on safari, sport fishing, and the red light district.
Malbec: You want more than a mouthful, but sometimes dribble down your shirt.
White Zinfandel: You don’t like wine, and you don’t intend to change your mind, or pretend to drink it, either.
I hope you got some good laughs from this!
Please feel free to share, leave a comment and tell me your favorite below!
jvb uncorked 
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